Regret
by xXxKimikoxXx
Summary: Hakkai slips up and Sanzo puts him in his place. HakkaixOC. Mention of death/murder and rape. Post-journey.


**So, yeah, don't own Saiyuki or the characters. Attempted a sad and angsty theme...probably could have been better. Remember to leave a review!**

Hakkai stuffed his hands in his pockets and hung his head low as he solemnly walked down the dark streets. He stared at his shoes as he walked, he didn't know who to talk to after what just happened….Gojyo was out of the question since when he approached the apartment door, he noticed the usual "stay out" tie, hanging from the doorknob, the all too familiar symbol of the actions going on inside. He sighed heavily, sadness gripping his heart in a vice-like grip from knowing that he may have lost another person he loved.

_'Why did I say her name? Why did I mess up? Why can't my heart let go, when I thought it had?' _

He sat down on a bench under the relentless glare of a street light. He hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. He sat there quietly, listening to the sounds of the nightlife, restaurants buzzing with people and the occasional person walking by.

"Why….why why why?!" He whispered angrily to himself.

"What are you doing out here?" A well-known voice asked and he raised his head to look at the familiar face of a certain monk.

"Hello Sanzo," Hakkai replied before he dragged his gaze back to the ground.

He heard the clicking of a lighter and the faint smell of smoke reached his nostrils, alerting him to Sanzo smoking a cigarette while the rustling of robes alerted him to the monk taking a seat next to him.

"So, what brings you out here Sanzo?"

"The monkey wanted some food from this certain restaurant, so…I gave him the credit card and sent him in…and I have a headache," taking a drag from his cigarette he added, "but what's up with you?"

Hakkai sighed, "It doesn't concern you and since you have a headache I don't want to bother you with it."

"It's something to do with her…isn't it?"

"Which her?" Hakkai looked at Sanzo as he flicked some ash off the end of his cigarette.

"Normally, I wouldn't give a damn about your problems…I think it's the headache…and over exposure to the monkey…," Sanzo looked at Hakkai, "what happened?"

Hakkai laughed a bit then sighed, "Well…it started when I came home…."

* * *

_"Kimiko-chan! I'm home!" Hakkai called, placing the groceries on the kitchen counter and hiding the bouquet of lilies, her favorite flower, behind his back. _

_Kimiko dashed into the kitchen and hugged him, "I'm glad you're back!"_

_Hakkai chuckled, "I just went out to get the items on the grocery list, but here," Hakkai pulled the flowers out from behind his back and handed them to her, "Happy anniversary." _

_"Oh Hakkai! They're beautiful!" Kimiko exclaimed taking the flowers from Hakkai and lightly kissing him on the lips before retrieving a vase from the cabinet. _

_Once she placed the flowers in the vase, she turned and smiled at Hakkai, "Now, would you like to see what I got you for our anniversary?" She smirked at walked towards Hakkai, swaying her hips slightly, before she placed a slow, passionate kiss on his lips. She moaned softly as Hakkai's lips moved against hers roughly. Hakkai placed a hand on the back on her neck, holding her in place. _

* * *

"But that's when in happened," He told Sanzo, "I couldn't stop myself…and 'Kanan' slipped from my mouth."

"And what did Kimiko do? I know how violent she can be sometimes…"

"Nothing…she calmly ordered me to leave…and I did. I didn't want to make her angrier by not listening to her."

Sanzo remained silent for a bit and took a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled and flicked the butt to the sidewalk.

"You're talking to the wrong person."

"Well, I would be talking to Gojyo about this, but…"

"The tie?"

Hakkai nodded and looked to the ground again.

"I want to love her…but I am almost afraid to…I don't want history to repeat itself and take another person I love from me…"

"There is a saying….. The greatest obstacles to inner peace…are disturbing emotions…such as anger and attachment …fear and suspicion…while love and compassion, a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness…1" Sanzo took out another cigarette and lit it.

"And how is that supposed to help ease my mind?"

Sanzo exhaled smoke and looked at Hakkai, keeping the cigarette in-between his fingers. He pointed those fingers at Hakkai and said:

"Look Hakkai…on that little field trip that we took to restore peace to Shangri-la…I befriended you, the monkey, and that sorry-ass water sprite. I know you three better than you think you do. And you better listen closely 'cause I'm only saying this once," he took a drag of his cigarette, exhaled it and looked at Hakkai once more, "when I met you, you were a depressed, near-suicidal man wishing for death, because you lost someone close to you. And now I see that it's beginning to happen again. As much as I hate to say it, Kimiko is the best damned that's happened to you. You were an up-tight prick that only cared about making sure we all lived to finish the job of stopping the minus wave. So listen, and listen well, if you don't forget Kanan, who's dead; and make things right with Kimiko, who's alive; then you'll find yourself in a similar position as last time…without the killing and the rape. You have a woman willing to love you and give you forever, and you're going to let that chance slip away because you can't move on from the past," Sanzo directed his gaze across the street and smoked his cigarette, letting Hakkai ponder his words.

Hakkai stood up, "Sanzo…that might have been the best thing, you have ever said to anyone," and with that, he quickly dashed down the street in the direction of the house he shared with Kimiko.

Sanzo looked at the man who he called a "friend" and sighed, but grew quickly irritated at the voice he heard, "SANZO! COME ON! THERE'S A MEAT BUN SALE! C'MON!"

"Quit your griping monkey, I'm coming."

* * *

The pounding of Hakkai's shoes on the ground seemed to echo hollowly through the street as he ran towards their home. Words jumbling about in his mind, and for once, it seemed as though he couldn't even string together a coherent sentence. He ran to the door and tried to open it, finding it locked. He scrounged around in his pocket for the keys and upon finding them; he quickly unlocked the door, locked it behind him and ran up the stairs, footsteps pounding on the wooden boards. He burst through the bedroom door and saw Kimiko standing at the window, staring out silently.

"So…have you come here to apologize? Or get your things?"

Hakkai sighed, "Kimiko-chan…I know-"

"Stop," she turned and looked at him, her eyes full of rage and hurt, "stop and answer me this. When you kiss me, is it her or me? When you hold me in your arms, is it her or me? When we make love…is it her…or me?"

Hakkai walked forward and pulled her close, holding her in his arms and was surprised when he didn't meet resistance, but felt tears fall on his shirt.

"Kimiko-chan…it was you. It's always been you…that day…at your village…was the day my heart healed. I have no explanation for why I said Kanan's name as we kissed earlier…but know that I am truly sorry and if you leave…or throw me out…I wouldn't be able to last much longer without you."

"H-Hakkai-kun…I would never do that…I'm too much of a fool in love to do that to either of us…," she looked up at him, a few tears slipping from her eyes, "I forgive you."

Hakkai smiled and wiped the tears off her cheeks. He released Kimiko from his grasp and quickly changed into his pajamas, he switched off the lamp on the bedside table and laid down in the bed, and as he held her in his arms, no longer on the dark streets, he realized that Sanzo was right, and that love was the way to happiness.

* * *

**1 Dalai Lama saying **

**Kimiko: -looks at Hakkai- Sanzo told you. **

**Hakkai: Well...it got me home, did it not?**

**Sanzo: -exhales smoke from cigarette- Pwnage...**

**Kimiko: O.O -tugs Hakkai's sleeve & whispers- He said "pwnage"**

**Hakkai: The people I associate with...**

**Gojyo: Oh...and incase you didn't get the "tie" reference, I was gettin' some. **

**Kimiko: -throws shoe at Gojyo- No one needs to know that! I think the readers a smart enough to understand it! All they'd have to do would be to watch "You, Me, & Dupree."**

**Gojyo: -rubs head & grumbles-**

**Hakkai: Aha ha...Kimiko, once again, doesn't own Saiyuki or it's characters. Please leave a review, she'd appreciate it.**


End file.
